“In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.”
Andy Warhol
“Enough about me. What about you? What do you think of me?”
Bette Midler in “Beaches”
To paraphrase Rick James, Bacardi is a wonderful drug. We went out last night with two of our best friends, the wonderful Bev and Mel, to a place called Sidepockets so we could drink, eat, and most of all play Buzztime trivia. We are all not to proud to admit to being trivia geeks. OK, Mel may be too proud, but he’s sport enough to play along.
So, given my infrequent drinking in recent years, it only takes a couple (ok, ok, THREE) Bacardi and Diet Cokes for me to come home with all restraint removed from what passes for my creative wit. Where oh where to channel it? Why, MySpace of course. Don’t get me wrong, I am not dogging MySpace or Tom, it’s creator, in the slightest. It’s our modern town hall and country fair, and it can be a lot of fun. One of the things you will see on it are surveys. Anyone can make a survey up and put it out there for all to partake in. And nowadays, a lot of us are talking about ourselves. Almost non stop. And for everyone to see, with next to nothing being off limits.
So there it was…the Real Life Quiz. A buzzing Revel’s dream come true. Here is the survey and my tongue in rum-soaked cheek answers:
The REAL Real Life Quiz.
1) What is your middle name? Voldemort
2) Do you like your middle name? No it keeps trying to KILL me
3) When was the last time you started a diet? I’ve never stopped. If I feel faint, I eat a cheese cube.
4) Do you smoke? When set afire yes. So would you.
5) What are your top 3 TV programmes at the moment? I am programmed to work and make money, I am programmed to clean, and I am programmed to to do funny dances to amuse passersby. (Obviously I missed the TV part of the question…)
6) What is your favourite song lyric? The end.
7) Do you think you can sing? I know I can sing. Anyone can sing. Try it. Stretch the tones out in your voice..go on…
Do your mates think you can sing? Check thinks I can but stale is stuck on the question.
9) Do you collect anything? Time in a bottle.
10) You have won a round the world trip to 7 locations of your choice, where do you go?
Uzbehkistan, Kahzikstan, Afghanistan, all of the Stan countries, really…Maybe a Baltic or two….11) What is the first thing you would buy if you won? My own private Idaho
12) What pets have you had? Seamonsters and unicorns
13) Spit or swallow? Yes, I can.
14) Name one song you know ALL of the words to… I’m Henry the VIII I Am
15) Who do you look up to and why? My brother, he is 2 inches taller than me
16) What is your star sign? The sign pointing up to Audrey Hepburn
17) When did you last pray? During question 16 (Oh blessed and beautiful St Audrey…)
18) Are you a tidy person? my bowl is
19) Write anything under here….
Anything20) Why did you type what you typed above in Q.19? Because you said to write anything. Don’t you read your own freaking questions?
21) When was the last time you wore make-up? I never wear makeup except for cosmetic purposes.
22) Would you rather have dinner with Shilpa Shetty or Jade Goody? Goody…so when she came into the room I could yell “Goody Goody Goody!”
23) The age of consent (for sex) should be…? 40…really
24) Why? It’s when life begins, right? I don’t think you should have sex before you’re really alive…how stupid would that be?
25) What is the best DVD you own? the disc cleaner
26) Michael Jackson is… yes, he certainly is
27) What is the last CD you purchased? The Caustic Belchings of Rush Limbaugh
28) What was the first album you bought yourself? “The Gas We Pass” on vinyl. It was a scratch and sniff.
29) What is your favourite scent? Laundered money
30) The word ‘cunt’ is… ridiculous and offensive. You should be slapped. (This was answered in all seriousness. I believe it’s the only question that was.)
31) The funniest woman alive is… Daniel’s Mom…
32) What are you looking forward to? Swearing off of surveys
33) Tea or coffee? Just leave the cart there, dear.
34) Share one embarrassing memory…at 10:45 I started this survey…oh god, how embarrassing
35) The key to a lasting relationship is…not to kill your partner
36) Why did your last relationship fail? See question 35
37) Did you try the Atkins Diet? Yes, and survived…unlike Dr Atkins, poor guy
38) What is the healthiest thing you have done in the last 7 days? breathed
39) What’s the unhealthiest thing you have done int he last 7 days? stop breathing
40) Name a band/group/artist and a song that they should cover….Brooks and Dunne should TOTALLY do “Rock Lobster”.
41) What was your last act of kindness? You’ll see when you get the check.
42) How many hours of sleep do you get each night? all of them
43) Are you happy with your job (or lack of job)? I am so happy with my job I should marry it…except I am married already
44) Every time the phone rings, I think… Daniel sure is taking a long time to answer that.
45) Who do you owe the most money to? Thanks, now I’m depressed.
46) Do you know how to use an apostrophe properly? Yes. Would you like me to show you where to stick it?
47) How is your spelling? supre thansk for aksgin
48) State a paradox… People are allowed to create these surveys, and no one tries to imprison them.
49) What is the last thing that made you cry? Something on Oprah. I think it was about weight loss.
50) What makes you happy? Clapping my hands.
51) Are you comfortable with the size of your penis / breasts? My penis has breasts? OH…sorry…there’s that apostrophe thing again
52) Who was the last person to see you naked? the people across the street. Note to self: Buy window treatments.
53) Have you ever seen a spirit/ghost? look behind you…no wait…DON’T.
54) What is the last nightmare you remember? Somewhere around question 40.
55) What is the last dirty dream you remember? I was cast in this Tide commercial, and the clothes were UNBELIEVABLY filthy…anyway, I am screwing off the cap to the bottle, and then before you know it, detergent has spilled EVERYWHERE…well, I am just about to drop the clothes in the pool of Tide and just swirl them around right there, devil may care, ya know, when in walks Rosie O’Donnell, talking smack about Donald Trump again. At this point, I have to pull the whole floating caravan over so she can get yet ANOTHER choco-moca-latte….
56) Name one of your sexual fantasies….perfecting hammock sex
57) You are going to die in 3 hours; what do you do? It’s at the end of this survey isn’t it? It’s been 2 hrs 50 minutes already. Oh damn damn damn…..
58) What is the oldest film you own? I have an old pack of Fuji from like 2001….
59) Designer labels or ‘cheap and cheerful’? Whatever, for godsake just put some clothes on.
60) Who do you keep the most secrets from? Nancy Grace…that b—- gets a hold of anything on you and it’s BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…we’ll be right back after this commercial…
Obviously, I need to step away from the surveys. But while they are fun, it’s a symptom of what Mr Warhol observed, our 15 minutes come to life on the Internets. One of the culprits is the omnipresent so-called Reality TV phenomenon. With the advent of YouTube the Internet and TV are fast becoming meshed into one huge “Look at Me, Look what I can do” blabberpalooza. The worst offender in my book is “American Idol”. This self indulgent, voyeuristically cruel behemoth lends fuel to the 15 minute fire by encouraging a few talented and sadly, thousand more less than talented people to bare their tortured souls for our entertainment. I want my idols created the old fashioned way, coming up throught the smoke filled clubs in Janis Joplin-esque fashion.
Certainly, many of us would be great on TV. I for one would love it. I have inherited my father’s love for being in front of people, whether live from a pulpit or on the radio, and translated it into an on again-off again affair with the stage. Given the chance, sure, I would go on TV. Daniel, I have a feeling, would run for the nearest exit. He’ll talk in front of people, but only when he absolutely HAS to. Kathy might like it, and I think she would be fun to see interviewed.
But in REAL reality, we’re not all stars. Nor should we be. Because if we’re all on-screen, who’ll be home to see the next appearance of William Hung?
