The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Man, I miss my home planet…!!

Posted by Daniel on Friday, March 10, 2006


Klapnock

I’ve always thought I should have been born on some other planet. It just doesn’t seem right – or fair – that I could be considered “Terrene“. Not when there are so many other worlds out there that surely are far more evolved and civilized than this one. Here on the third planet of the Terrene System, the dominant species has evolved into one that seems destined to destroy itself by de-evolution.When I was a kid (okay, even now) I would imagine I was traveling from one cool planet to another. I used to have quite an imagination then, back before I was jaded by reality and being forced (kicking and screaming, I might add) to grow up. It wasn’t the idea of being an astronaut, as such, but rather just a traveler. A “space tourist” if you will. I would imagine traveling through places similar to these. I know one thing, my spacecraft had to have landed on the wrong hemisphere. I’m more than sure I was aiming for the Southern Hemisphere…you know, somewhere “down under”. Damned gyroscope!! I have always had a passion for Australia…both it’s beauty and it’s people. Both of which are the most beautiful and most inviting on the planet. I’ve always been warmed by it’s open atmosphere.

Here in the North, however, the climate is colder, in every way possible. The lifeforms here seem to want to go backwards in time to more “morally innocent” times. Whatever the hell that was!! Everyone here wants to argue, go to war and kill one another over the stupidest point I’ve ever heard…”My God is better than your God, and if you don’t believe that, you’ll incur His wrath in the form of a mushroom cloud”. Is this really the way this species plans to use the 21st century?! Here I live in America, in what is laughingly called the “seat of democracy”. (again, thanks to that piece of shit gyroscope) This country may be the most democratic (arguably) in the world, but it is far from the most realistic. It’s leaders are so busy wallowing in their self-righteous piety, the’ve completely lost touch with even their most ardent followers.

If – and when – celestial travelers land on this planet (and they will, damnit! They MUST know I’m ready to go home!!), I simply cannot imagine them landing on this continent and saying, “Take me to your leader.” I can just picture it. First he (or she) would be called Godless, then crucified, “accidentally” mistaken for a clay pidgeon and shot by the Vice President, probed for weapons of mass destruction, taken on the “tour” at Guantanamo as a “guest”, or all of the above. It’s upsetting to think of our visitors standing on a box with their heads covered in black cloth with electrode wires connected to their balls (or cubes, depending on what universe they’re from).

In my youthful imagining, I never gave thought of the perils of having evolved to a higher plane that didn’t involve religion, only to land on this planet. But I’ll tell you this…the second I get that fucking gyroscope fixed, (and after a well-deserved layover in Sydney), I’m high-tailing it back to Klapnock where the only thing I’m expected to pray to is the celestial muffin and a nice cup of tea.

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