The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Usicire, Perdente!

Posted by Daniel on Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Male Brain

I'm no "Dear Abby"… by any stretch of the imagination. I've never claimed to be. I just don't think I'm the best person to ask advice on marriage, dating, courting, "wooing", flirting, teasing, smacking, or even "pairing up". Mostly because I think single men are much like the dessert trolley at a good restaurant…they look delicious, but you know which ever one you pick, it's just going straight to your ass!!

The thing is, I have this funny friend at work (who must remain anonymous – Hi, Michelle!!) who has lately been going through the most gawd-awful break up with the biggest asshole (no pun intended) in creation. It really tears me up to see her come in every morning weak from all the drama of the night before with (I'll give James an alias…"Dickhead") Dickhead. It seems Dickhead has a nasty habit of taking out all of life's frustrations and itches on "Anonymous". After many months of this ulcer-irritating idiot grating her, she has – and I can't underline this enough – FINALLY decided to let the fucker move out. Which, I told her, is a damned site better than pulling the bandaid off one hair at a time, as has been the case for far too long.

Honestly, there hasn't been a day that our work day hasn't started off with me asking, "So, what was Shit-For-Brains (that's his other alias) bitching about last night?" At which time, she'd spark up one of her cheap crappy menthol cigs and spill the menudo. My heart always goes out to her, but I'm not exactly the nicest person when it comes to Dipshits. My standard reaction is always the same, "Girl, (I'm actually butch, but I love to say "Girl" at the least appropriot times) tell that pile of shit to pack his bags, leave the money on the dresser and get the fuck out!!"

(Donna Summers' "Bad Girls" had a profound effect on me.)

She knows all of this, of course and is looking forward to his departure, however she's torn between "But I really truly still love him with all my heart. He can sometimes be the sweetest, most gentle man I've evr known." Okay, I'll give her that bit of emotional leeway…and then she'll follow it up with describing his not-so-charming Mr. Hyde personality. He's almost fully moved his shit out of her house, but needs to stay there until he finds a job. Again, here's where my jaded side pops up and you can audibly hear my eyeballs snap because they're rolling so far back into my head.

I'll be so glad when this future Lifetime Movie has played itself out. She keeps saying, "I'm fucking through with dating…Men are Pigs…" blah-blah-blah. Same shit every woman and gay man say after such events. I told her what she really needs is to get her own gay. At least she'd have a social life and when a gay man ruins her self esteem, it will be marinated in constructive criticism.

In all seriousness, it's too hard to give relationship advice to a friend. Especially when, deep down, that friend already knows the answers that are right for them. It's always good to have friends to lean on emotionally for support during times like these. But a true friend knows when to stop advising and just be there. If you can't lend silent stalwart support, you'd better have some funny zingers at the ready. Which leads me to MY personal talent…make them laugh, whether they want to or not. (I loathe awkward silence or "dead air")


3 Responses to “Usicire, Perdente!”

  1. atari_age said

    So far, it sounds like you give some pretty decent advice, IMO.

    Being able to laugh is great too, as long as everyone knows you really do care. Some people just don’t care and crack jokes.

    Oh man, hearing about that breakup – shit, mine is a frakkin cakewalk!

  2. (shrugging coyly) Well thanks.

    That’s me…the flame retardent. (or is that the retarded flame?? hmmm…)
    Either way, I’m just putting out fires right and left. :p

    Have a great day…A.

  3. Anonymous said

    Well now that my special friend has let the whole world know how pathetic my life is, maybe everyone will step back and see maybe there life isn’t so bad.

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