The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

I refuse to age gracefully!!

Posted by Daniel on Friday, April 28, 2006

This September 4th (Labor Day) I will turn 43. Big fat hairy deal, right?


I’ve never thought of my age (or anyone’s age, for that matter) as old. It’s all just a number, and I certainly don’t feel old. Besides, Steve says I am like a 4 year old when we go shopping. I’ll admit, shiny colorful things in the stores always get my attention…and somehow magically appear in the cart when Steve’s back is turned. Good times. 🙂

My rant session started yesterday due to two events earlier this week.

1) My slightly younger sister thought I was 45, only getting my age right when her husband (who is named after a pair of shoes whose mascot was a little sailor boy) figured it out on the calculator. Then she proceeded to say, “Well, you’re still old.” She’s 40, by the way. Take that, Sis!!

2) My battery-operated nose hair trimmer suddenly made a screaming sound that was so scary, it…well…curled my nose hair.

Number one I can simply chalk up to sibling shit-talking. To which I will lob the folloing at her: Jealousy is an ugly thing on you, Sis…and so is anything backless. (I kid! I kid my sister!)

I guess it’s the nose hair thing that made the age thing kinda hit home. Now, I know that it’s the natural order of things that as any person ages, some hair could start thinning (not on me, thank you) and then you start growing hair where you least expect it. Ears, nose, etc. While I’ve been fortunate enough not to have thinning hair or hair in the ears, I suppose even I couldn’t avoid the nose hair.

Okay, I can accept that, but what’s up with those gadgets we have to buy in order to maintain nose-hair-order? I don’t care how cool the packaging, they still look like something Tomas de Torquemada would have come up with!

Think about it. It’s a mini lawn mower that you’re supposed to use in a place that is basically inside your head!! It’s maniacal!! Yet, if we don’t want it to look like a face necklace, we have to keep it trim and tidy. Although I’ve seen – as I’m sure you have as well – folks who never heard of a method of trimming and so prefer to “feather” it and let it hang there blowing in the wind for all the world to see. You’ve gotta love these people…just proud of all the wrong things.

Anyway, I’ve come to terms with the fact that nose hair is normal. Nose hair is natural. Nose hair should have it’s own parade!! I just want to shout out to the world, “I love my big gay nose hair!!” I could, however, do without those pre-mature grays, which only serve to highlight (or should I say spotlight) the matter. Steve will playfully tell me to “mow” now and then, to which I’ll just look out the widow at the yard. Then he rolls his eyes.

So I go and “mow”.

I guess it matters how many miles your trimmer has on it (it has been a while since it’s last tune-up), because a couple of days ago, I killed my trimmer.

All was going well, considering I’m Italian and hair – however well-placed – tends to be thicker. Then, the screaming of the lambs began. This little battery-operated gadget that has served me so well for the past 5+ years just started screeching and grinding. It was awful. So I did what any wise and mature person would do…I replaced the battery. This only upset it more. The screaming became louder…as well as that of the trimmer.

Being the straight-acting, mature (YOUNG!!) gay guy I pride myself to be…I dropped the trimmer, ran downstairs to the kitchen and poured myself a Cosmo…to settle my nerves.

The little umbrella with the wedge of pineapple really took the edge off.

Cosmo downed, nerves settled, stock of situation taken, umbrella tucked behind ear to play “gay-sha”, I began to laugh in spite of myself.

“Just how bad does it have to be for someone to kill a nose hair trimmer??” And do they all make that hideous sound when they die? Fortunately, Steve had another trimmer and handed it to me (a little too fast, I might add…hmmm).

I suppose I can chalk this up to experience. Part of growing up is learning that things die. It’s the natural order. The circle of life.

Thank the Celestial Muffin I am grown up and mature. Otherwise I might have handled this incident badly. (hehe)

Oh, and happy early birthday, Sis!! I know JUST what to get you as a present.


3 Responses to “I refuse to age gracefully!!”

  1. popolicious said

    you took thw time to do allthat and still no one commented, what a sad feeling

  2. Umm…YOU commented. So I guess it’s really not that sad. 🙂

  3. Cavmi said

    Hello from Italy! Your blog is fantastic! Please, if you have just a free minute, visit me back and leave a comment with your link, so other Italian people will be able to visit you! Thank you!;-D

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