The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Sunday Funnies – Wry Australian Humor

Posted by Daniel on Sunday, June 4, 2006

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes?

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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4 Responses to “Sunday Funnies – Wry Australian Humor”

  1. WOW. That made it to a U.S. website? Now? According to that website, if you believe it, you must be surprised that I can understand that English, but the education system is pretty good in Austria. Although I do have way more fun with my pet kangaroo that was issued to me at birth by the government. Yeah. Or, Ja, as you probably expected. Although I’m pretty tired right now. Spent all afternoon getting the drop bears out of the trees.
    Tomorrow start teaching an English course. For people from you know where.

    No, seriously, you have to laugh.It does not matter where you are from – world geography, world customs are for many still the ultimate frontier.

    I was in an English tour group at Versailles once. I worked out pretty soon that I was the sole Australian in a party of people from, oh, I don’t know, New Jersey, say. At the end of the tour, one more-than-jus-middle-aged-lady asked the French guide “Was Loius Quatorze Roman Catholic??!!” After having the question repeated, the guide still kept her poise and gave a polite answer, but gee, what was this lady expecting her to say? “No, Madame. He was the first Jewish king of France!”? I guess sarcasm was not included in the guide’s training brief.

    Seriously, how do you guys cope with George Dubya?

  2. LOL. How do we cope with the dope? Let e tell you , it ain’t easy. I tried to email him to let him know he’s a douchebag, but apparently he’s very busy on Capitol Hill trying to slap big pink triangles to our chests and sticking us in “camps”. I’m sure he’ll answer my email ASAP. NOT!!!

  3. Erik Edlund said

    Mates,
    Quote: “posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.”

    What’s the website?

    If it’s TRUE, good on ya! Stupid people shouldn’t travel, much less procreate…

    Erik

  4. Erik,
    The post was sent to me by a friend in Alice Springs. I tried to find the original website, but I kept getting diverted to a tourism site in Belfast. Thought that was pretty odd. I decided not to post any more “Hey, look what I found…” articles.

    I do, however, agree with you about the stupid people theory. 🙂

    Daniel

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