The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

It’s A Gas – Gas – Gas…

Posted by Daniel on Monday, June 19, 2006

Every now and then, I'll open the Pandora's Box that is my blog email. I am fortunate in that it is quite able to filter out the SPAM, leaving the legitimate mail for me to paruse through.

It's usually the typical letter either praising or panning the blog, all of which I take with a grain of salt. I must say, to those who have only good things to say…thank you and you certainly do know a good thing when you see it. It is for you, the intelligent and interesting folks who understand the meaning of such things as 'common sense' and 'humor', that I write these entries.

As for you poo-poo artists who offer nothing but hateful critique – both of you – just keep reading. Rest assured it can't possibly get any more disappointing for you…but I'll give it a hell of a try!

On occasion, as I'm flipping through the email, there will be one of those fun ones that ask a lot of questions. Sometimes, the questions are of too peraonal a nature for me to answer, so I try to placate them with some witty banter. The artful dodger I'm not, but it generally works.

Once in a while, though, the questions tend to fall into what I refer to as the "Huh? Why would they want to know that??" category.

To wit:

"Dear Tempest, thanks for all the laughs so far. I love reading your page. You must be a very smart person. Glad to know you're out there saying the things a lotta people are too chicken to say. Do you fart? Stay cool."

Kade – Phoenix, AZ

E-X-C-U-S-E ME???

I am thinking several things at this point:

A) Kade is a "Dude"

B) Kade is much younger than I

C) Kade is very smart and able to gauge intelligence from other people's writings

D) Kade is into farts

Now, it's common for us, when thinking of someone we admire, not to imagine whether or not Einstein, Angelina Jolie, Gay Tom Cruise or I…um…fart or go # one-sies or two-sies. I know, Kade, it's hard when an idol falls. Alas, it is true. Like you and everyone else on the planet, I and my contemporaries, fart.

I will also admit, I used to have a h-u-g-e complex about having that particular ability. Even going so far as to sequester myself in a private place so that I could cover my ears whilst commiting the foul act and reciting my favorite cover song…"LA-LA-LA-LA-LA…".

Yes, Kade, I was that fucked up.

Then I met Steve. This man has opened my eyes, my mind and yes, my "wind pipe" to the noxious joy that is, to my surprise, a funny little part of marriage. According to Steve (who made me do it for him for his birthday, of all things).(Sorry Honey…I had to mention that. It is integral to the plot!)

Sidebar: I think I finally answered that age-old question, "What do you give to someone who has everything?"

But I must also add, young Kade, and I'll try to "break" it to you gently, this is not a gift one uses for dark purposes. I try only to use my powers for the benefit of mankind. It is neither fitting – nor ladylike – to simply let 'er rip all willy-nillie. There is, as I've learned through Sensi Steve, an art to the fart. As those poor unfortunates who shop behind us at Walmart know all too well.

Walmart, it seems, is the perfect place for such training. There is little to no air flow through these stores. One has only to find an empty isle, mentally pull the poop grenade pin…viola. It's going to sit there intact until the fist unwary shopper happens to walk through it. Imagine walking through a large spider web. Yeah, just like that. Only worse. Or so I've been told. And woe to the mouth-breather!

So, Dear Kade, I hope that I not only answered your question to your satisfaction, but that I was able to, in some small way, teach you some of my vast knowledge.

You know…because I'm so smart.

And because you were such a good student, I wanted to be sure to include some study-related films for you as a visual aid.

Also, some recommended reading for you:  The Gas We Pass, by Shinto Cho. 

 

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