The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Buh – Bye – Guy!!

Posted by Daniel on Thursday, July 27, 2006

Okay. The time has come. I’ve hidden this part of my life for far too long. I’m coming out of the closet. The pain and shame of hiding this very intimate side of my life has been just too much to bear.

Today I am officially ‘outing’ myself. Screw Fred Phelps. To hell with Jerry Falwell. Anita Bryant can suck my naval orange.

Okay, that last one slipped. I know she’s long-dead. So don’t write to correct me.

I’m here…I’m queer…and I’m ‘N Sync‘s biggest fan!!

(hey, does that make me a Sync hole?)

I know what you’re thinking. I can just hear the whispers now…

“Dude, I thought I knew that guy!”

“Fuck, you think you know someone and then they tell you this shit!!”

“Oh my gawd!! And I slept with you!!!”

I make no apologies for my hidden pleasure. As a matter of fact, I have each and every album.

  1. *NSYNC (1998)
  2. Home For Christmas (1998)
  3. The Winter Album (1998) (hey, it was a very busy year for them!!)
  4. No strings Attached (2000)
  5. Celebrity (2001)
  6. Greatist Hits (2005)

What…you thought they only had two? Better renew your subscription to Tiger Beat!!

A-a-anyhoo…

Yesterday I got the news I had been hoping to get on J.C. and/or Justin. Alas, it was one of the three do-woppers in back…Lance. Yes folks, Lance Bass has come out and in an interview with PEOPLE magazine, told the world he is, in fact, gay.

Huh? WTF?? No!! Say it isn’t so! No, really, tell me it’s not so. Where the fuck is J.C. and Justin’s long-awaited coffession? Where is the justice? Where is the closure? Where are my Justin & J.C. bobbleheads that have been so much fun?

Well fine then! Lance it is. You know, in all these years, I never really gave Lance a second look. I mean, he’s not the front man. He’s the bass (or is that spelt base?). The deep voice that we rarely heard over the yummy J & J.

So, Lance baby is a ‘mo. Yeah team. You go gurl!! You’ve got the bang. You’ve got the bucks. But can you represent? What kind of stardust can you spread on behalf of all of us Friends of Dorothy?

I mean really, the guy wanted to be shot into space!

Wait just a fish-netted-mascara-swiping minute! He is the one who wanted to be strapped to an enormous phallic object and then spurted into space, right?

Huzzah! Mystery solved.

So, what kinda guy catches the petite Lance’s eye, you might ask?

W-e-e-l-l-l…take a gander at this:

That’s right, ladies. It’s the ever-so-yummy Reichen Lehmkuhl. Winner of CBS’s “Amazing Race 4”. The ex-Air Force pilot. Captain Lehmkuhl. The 32 year old actor. Back off bitches, he’s aaalll Lance’s.

The recently single ex of Chip Arndt. (loser)

According to Lance’s interview with People, he and Lehmkuhl are in a “very serious and stable” relationship. Isn’t that sweet? I really hope it lasts.

I give it a year…tops.

Not that I don’t want things to work out for the guys, but let’s face the ruffled facts…too much attention and media critiques generally kill most gay couplings.

That’s why Steve and I stay out of the limelight. We don’t want to end up like Ellen and Anne…or Jack and Ennis. After all, we do have children to consider.

I know. I know. What’s going to happen to ‘N Sync now? How is all of this going to affect the pending comeback album? I dunno, but I’m on pins and needles just like you.

J.C. and Justin, if you’re reading this (and I know you do since I’m your biggest fan!!), take a hint from Lance. Stand up. Say it loud and proud. I want it to be you, not the Bass.

I don’t like fish.

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2 Responses to “Buh – Bye – Guy!!”

  1. knottyboy said

    be a dear would you? Pass me that moist towelette, the damn has broken. Forget the towelette break out the shopvac.
    kb

  2. Yeah. Not normally my type, but SO do-able!

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