The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Trading MySpace’s

Posted by Daniel on Thursday, September 14, 2006

Though I’ve not been sucked in to the whole MySpace.com (they’re all liars, right?), I must admit I’ve been a member of Frappr.com for a while now.

Yeah…yeah!! I know there’s no difference.

I guess I jumped onto that fun little bandwagon when all of my online friends kept telling me, “Hey, join my ‘friends’ map. Click here…” And like the newbie sheep I was – “Oooh, this is so exciting!” – I bit.

So now I have my own page and the “friends” just keep piling up. I’ll admit it was kinda cool seeing all the maps I’d end up on, and the avatars that would collect in my “friends” tab.

At first.

Then things started getting a little creepy. I began to notice that when I’d click on one of my “new friends” normal looking avatars to see who they were, I would be wisked away to their page where, to my shock and awe, there would be – excuse the term – buttloads of porno pics and showing what they were really “into”.

Water sports. WTF?!?!

Make no mistake, I originally set up that page to meet new people. Not (I can’t stress that enough) to m-e-a-t them.

Me: “I love landscaping. How about you?”

He: “I love to cruise the park. Does that count?”

Me: “Um, not so much. How about books?”

He: “Oh, I love books!”

Me: KEWL (I am such a fucking geek) What books do you like?”

He: “Inches. Drummer. Wrestle Mania. You know…porn.”

Me: “Wow.” (said dryly) “So I’m assuming you’re single.”

He: “Oh no. I’m in a monogamous relationship.”

Me: “Finally, something good to hear.”

He: “So, ya wanna hook up?”
Me: “click” (the sound of me logging out)

Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!!

This happens even though my profie specifically states I’m “…not looking to hook up.” I hate it when that falls on deaf rears.

As if that weren’t enough, one day you get stupid and actually read their profiles.

Decoding the personal ads:

40-ish……………………………49
Adventurous…………………..Slept with everyone
Athletic…………………………..Plays too many computer games
Average looking………………Moooooo
Hot………………………………..Pathological liar
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
All natural……………………….Chronic halitosis
Free spirit……………………….Junkie
Friendship first………………..Former barfly
New-Age………………………..Never bathes
Old fashioned………………….No BJ’s
Open-minded………………….Desperate
Outgoing………………………..Loud and embarrassing
Professional……………………Castrating Asshole
Swimmer-build………………..Meth addict
Large frame…………………….Very fat
Wants soul mate………………Stalker
Artist………………………………Unemployed
Humorous……………………….Tactless
Traveler………………………….Homeless
Popular…………………………..You’ll hate his friends
Well-liked………………………..His friends will hate you
Theatrical………………………..Drama queen
Perfect 10……………………….I.Q.
Tan………………………………..Wrinkled
Body builder……………………Over-eater
Drive a BMW……………………Sorry about your penis
Rich……………………………….Old as the hills and twice as dusty
Love walking…………………..Hooker
Non-smoker…………………….Alcoholic
Healthy…………………………..Lives in a plastic bubble
Risk taker……………………….Into pain
Stocky……………………………Short
Pierced…………………………..Where??
Philanthropic…………………..Bad with money
Well-rounded………………….Out of shape
Now, before you accuse me of being a prude, just look this list over again. Tell me that you haven’t discovered these very same things, either online or at the clubs.

At this point I’m asking myself, “Do I even want to keep the Frappr page going? Why am I doing it anyway?”

I’ll have to get back with you on that…one of my “HOT” Frappr buddies is IM’ing me.

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