The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Slap Some Lipstick On This Pig

Posted by Daniel on Sunday, September 17, 2006

Your comment on this post is appreciated.

I was debating on whether to keep the above title, or to call it “Football and Drag – Making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”.

At the risk of losing my membership card in Club Mo, I will admit, Steve and I are big football fans. Not in the sense of all football all the time. Goodness gracious, no. We’re no at all interested in college football. And the closest we ever get to actually attending a game is listening to the high school P.A. system on Friday nights from a block or so away from our house.

We also don’t watch every NFL game. Living near Kansas City, we naturally route for The Kansas City Chiefs. So we watch their games…as long (or short) as their season may be.

Today, we were sitting in our downstairs family room eagerly cheering our team on. The usual bevy of snacks and other crap at the ready.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, with us it’s not just about all the tight ends and wide receivers. Though that’s a perk, I’ll grant you.

It’s just one of the things that make us a great couple. Here’s another…

At some point during the game – probably after one of several Chiefs’ fumbles – we start talking about what we’re going to do for Halloween costumes. Don’t ask me why, but drag did come up.

Steve: I don’t want to go as Boris and Natasha! (from Bullwinkle).
Me: What about Dorothy and Sophia? (Golden Girls)
Steve: No.
Me: Sonny & Cher?
Steve: Ugh!

Are you seeing the pattern here? He’s very tall (6’3″) and I’m…not as tall (5’3″). Other than the fact that Steve thought he’d look fantastic in a pant suit as Dorothy, he just wasn’t thrilled with the idea of having to be the one in drag.

Chiefs are on Denvers’ 22 yard line and prepped to score…FUMBLE!!!

FUCK!!! My Chief’s hat goes hurling onto the floor. Chips debris goes flying out of my mouth.

Me: (thrilled look on my face) Okay…okay. How about we stick a bunch of rulers to you, and I’ll wear one of those big round Smiley Face outfits like the WalMart logo?
Steve: What the hell is that supposed to be??
Me: “Happy Feet!!”
Steve: (sweeping up my chip debris) Next.

See, I’m trying to come up with something he and I can do as a couple. I’ve discovered this isn’t as easy as coming up with my own bizzare outfits.

Denver punts back to the Chiefs, who drive all the way down the field, only to have to try for the field goal – which they get – and now it’s halftime. Kansas City – 3…Denver – 0.

Me: We could cover you in those fake fruit peaches, and cover me in Rosemary, Thyme, Dill Weed, etc.
Steve: I shudder to ask…
Me: “Peaches and Herb.”
Steve: Yawn.

Several more wild and gawd-awful ideas came to me over the next couple of hours that also came to Steve saying, “You’re not trying hard enough.”

The game ended at the fourth quarter tied at 6 to 6. Now it’s overtime. Denver wins the toss and receives. A couple of lousy moves on the Chiefs’ and Denver scores the winning field goal.

Great, the Chiefs lose again (we’re now 0/2) and we’re still stuck on one costume idea that has Steve, regrettably, doing pseudo-drag.

After calm our game-losing nerves by watching “Narnia”, Steve has come up with a great (?) idea…He said we should let you pick our costume.

This could get interesting…if not a little scary.

So here goes:

You pick the costume.


Give us your idea for something really original. Keep in mind, we have little to no shame when it comes to our Halloween party. So let us know what you think the costume(s) should be. No idea is too stupid…as the examples above clearly show.


One Response to “Slap Some Lipstick On This Pig”

  1. Addison said

    I was thinking Adam & Steve…….or you could go as piss & vinegar(as my mother used to tell me I was full of). Nothing else at the moment.

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