The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Sweet Charity

Posted by revelkc on Tuesday, February 13, 2007

chickencharity2.jpgWe believe in charity. Just ask Betty, our tax preparer. I also believe in the concept itself, not just the tax deductions. There are millions in this country alone, not to mention the needy on other continents, who are more than deserving of whatever help we can give. And of course, we give generously to our own community as well. That said, I just went through the mail this evening, and I seriously need to get some things off my checkbook–err, chest.

To the would-be recipients of my charitable dollars, I humbly ask the following:

1. Please STOP with the freakin’ address labels. If we don’t move, I conceivably could write every member of my considerably large family+ friends DAILY for the next several years and have a ready made address label for each. And I have every type except for male nudes . (hint hint). Have you heard of online bill paying or email? The only person I write to regularly is my mother, who is the recipient of all the extra flower stickers and smileys. Good thing she likes them. Bottom line: it’s almost a guarantee if your not already on my charity list, if you stuff an envelope with more of those damn labels, you won’t make it on the list either.

2. Don’t suggest to me what’s the best amount to give. $100.00 feeds a child for one month? How about I contribute a couple of happy meals? I mean really, if I give the suggested amount each of you asks, pretty soon it’s going to be MY face looking pitiful on those inserts. Oh, and DNC? $75.00??? You’re not even tax deductible, and if you all don’t get your collective asses to together, I’m going to start giving to the Green Party instead! (or am I ALREADY…evil laugh…..)

3. Do NOT call me at home. For a certain group that was the death nell. “Can we count on you for X amount to be sent by this date?” I’ve had utility companies be less pushy. There is literally no way to be eighty-sixed faster in my book.

4. Right Wing Evangelicals and your Republican puppets? Unless you really get off on wasting your time, your material just ends up in the recycling, and it ends up HELPING the environment you couldn’t give a rat’s patootie for protecting. Just sayin.

Thanks. I feel much better now. If you’ll excuse me, I need to get this check off to F.I.L.F. (The Female Impersonator Lip-synch Foundation.) You can thank me at the next show.

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