The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

Caution: Gay Construction Ahead – Part 8 – Clean-Up On The Vacuum Isle, Please

Posted by Daniel on Monday, March 12, 2007

It was bound to happen, really. Somebody got injured by us during our weekly spree at WalMart. And if you ask me, it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

I’m convinced that both Steve and I are just gluttons for punishment. I mean, who the hell in their right minds (that doesn’t drive a minivan) goes to WalMart on a frigging Sunday?? In truth, I try to avoid going there like the plague. Steve is a bit, um, more reserved about it and is far less bothered by it.


Lately, more and more people seem to be stopping and asking if he would be so kind as to get something for them off the top shelves. He, being 6’3″, is pretty handy for such things…in a pinch. I can relate, as he has to do the same for me a LOT at home.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking…”If you hate going there on Sundays so much, then why do you go?” Easy…

We began work on the next phase of interior redecorating yesterday – the Dining Room. And there are some items we can get (sorry American workers) cheaper there than at Home Depot or Lowes. You know, like furniture casters and other obscure shit like that.

Anyway, after once again making it successfully through the gauntlet of minivans that inevitably impede progress in life on this planet, we somehow were able to get probably the best parking space in that overcrowded parking lot. Anyone who’s ever driven or ridden with me knows this, in itself, makes my nipples hard. So I normally take this as an omen that my trip into the store will be a good one.

Oh how the Fates can fool me.

You have to understand Steve and I in this store. He has gotten so used to my juvenile ways in there, coupled with my A.D.D. And lately I’ve noticed how he has begun to turn this into a sick little game of “Yeah, try and find me now, you distracted dumbass”. I’m sure the folks upstairs watching the store cameras get a kick every time of watching me look like a mouse trying to find the cheese in a maze. So of course I do my best to give them an entertaining show. I’ll give you a hint: I’m not above skipping!!

Anyhoo, when I finally found Steve, he was in the Vacuum Isle, looking at filters. Typically, while he’s looking at the important shit like that, I’m playing with whatever shiny or colorful object I can get my hands on.

Sidebar: I think this was the Hottie/D.I.L.F./Eye Candy Day at WM, because there was yumminess ‘erawhere” in there!!

But I digress…

So, Steve’s looking at the filters and I’m trying to get his attention so he can see this cool-ass vacuum that comes with the neatest duster with telescopic handle that rests in it’s own place within the unit, and it cleans itself!! How frigging cool is that?!

Of course, he turns to look at what I’m trying to show him – mostly just to shut me up – and then I hear this female voice go, “OW!!

Apparently when Steve turned to look at me, his cart went with him…over the foot of some lady who had obviously snuck up on him.

Okay first of all, there wasn’t anything in his cart but some vitamins, a few cans of cat food and the vacuum filter that he needed. So her little “OW!!”, to me, sounded like one of those that was meant less from pain and more as a weird way for her to size us up for litigation. You know how it goes…

“Ow!! You ran over my foot with your practically-empty shopping cart. I should sue!! Wait…Cat food, a vacuum filter and some weird vitamins…Hmmm. I’m thinking single and staying that way. Also, judging from these guys attire, they look poor. Fuck. Fine then, I’ll just yell OW!! again just so they’ll know I mean business. Shit, with my luck they parked next to my minivan and scratched it. Just wait till they leave, I’m going to be right in front of them and I’ll go no faster than 10 mph the whole way. Broke assholes!! OWwwwwwwww!!”

Well, that’s how her “OW!!” sounded. C’mon…you’ve all heard those fake outbursts, right? By the way, Steve apologized to her not once, but twice…to which she had no response.

Anyway, that’ll teach her for judging us so quickly. Yeah, we were kinda trashed out, but we’d just finished pulling up 25-year old carpeting and padding…and why should we have gussied up just to go to WM???

Besides, she really didn’t put her heart into the “OW!!” act, anyway. Had it been me, (and I wouldn’t do it for the money, but more for the sheer satisfaction of embarrassing everyone nearby) I’d have fallen to the floor, knocking products off shelves, and flopped around the floor like a fish. There would have been fake convulsions, speaking in tongues and yes, there would have been spittle foaming.

But that’s just me.

So, as I said earlier, we’ve begun Phase II of the interior rehab. This phase should be relatively easy, as this room doesn’t have the inconvenience of cathedral ceilings for Steve to wrangle with.

And this time, there are pictures of me actually doing something!!

Stay tuned…


2 Responses to “Caution: Gay Construction Ahead – Part 8 – Clean-Up On The Vacuum Isle, Please”

  1. revelkc said

    Don’t forget she limped as if I’d racked her shinbone a la Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. If she’d waited two seconds, the cart would have cleared her and she could have gotten her own damn vacuum bags. But not the J’s..those are mine!

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