The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

OMFG…I’ve Been “Inned”!!!

Posted by Daniel on Monday, March 26, 2007

Picture it…I’m sitting there, on a bench by the pool, talking on my cell phone with my friend Cameron. I’m taking this call while attending a bar-b-que over at our neighbor’s house (Hi Bev & Mel!!!).

Let me back up just a bit here…

I had just spent the previous hour or so making fun of one of the folks attending this shin-dig. Well, she had it coming…she sat next to me on the swing chair, she was drunk as a skunk, she’s a Second-Grade substitute school teacher at a local Catholic school. She had spent some time telling all of us, in her animated drunk way, that she can talk to her cats and that they, in turn, talk back to her. And this was one of her more believable stories!!

I’ll admit, I called her stupid at least eight times during this time, which only made her laugh…loudly. She’d say, “Oh Allen, you’re so funny.” To which I’d reply, “Um, listen Sister Mary Rotten Crotch (sorry Steve…I just HAD to say it!!), you know my name is Daniel. Does it hurt to be that stupid? Is there really pain involved?” Oh, how she laughed.

To tell you the truth, the one-liners and zingers were just flying out of my mouth at warp speed as I was, myself, a wee bit tipsy because I was drinking “Boozie Slush”. If you don’t know what that is…ask me. I love sharing Bev’s recipe.

My Official Gay CardAaaaanyway…

I had noticed sometime during my fun little exchange with the substitute Second-Grade Catholic school teacher from Hell that Cameron had texted me several times on my phone. Then I went down to the pool to talk to him on the phone.

Sometime during my time on the phone, the school teacher was finally drunk enough to decide to go home. While saying her goodbye’s, she ran down to where I was sitting to kiss me goodbye. And this is when I lost my gay card.

I know that people kiss each other goodbye when leaving and all that. I do it ALL the time. But this time was different…and, I must say, a first for me.

Karen Carpenter (I SWEAR that is her real name!!) not only kissed me, but as I was pulling away, she grabbed my head, pulled it back to her and kissed me again. Only this time, she stuck her tongue in my mouth!!! Naturally,I began flailing my arms and tried to politely push her off me. That’s when it got uglier. When I tried to push her off me, my hands landed right on her boobs!!!

So now, not only have I just been french kissed by a woman, but I added insult to injury by feeling her up!!!

I could hear Cameron on the phone asking me what was happening, but his pleas went unanswered as tried hysterically to free myself from the Catholic School Tongue Wrestler and her (I must say) very perky bosoms.

Finally, she released me from her drunken grasp, gave me a biggo hug and said, “I love you, Earl.” Then she left.

No flowers. No little card with her number scribbled on it. No, “I’ll call you, you hot little Italian piece of man meat.”

Nothing. Nadda. Zip.

And again, she got my name wrong. I felt so used. So violated. So rejected. So ill.

So I skulked back up onto the deck, to face the taunts and cat-calls that I knew were about to be heaped upon me. And if you have friends as good as mine, you know they never fail to point at you and laugh when you’ve just faced the ultimate adversity. But instead of stopping and just getting it all over with, I walked into the house, picked up the Dawn Dishwashing liquid and went to work trying to scrub the shame off of my tongue. “Find a happy place…find a happy place!!” is all I could mutter. Try as I might, I just couldn’t get it to feel clean enough.

After giving up on that futile effort, I decided I might as well go back outside and face the music.

To make a long story somewhat shorter…I will never hear the end of this from my good friends. It will be mentioned at every social function from now until the end of time.


4 Responses to “OMFG…I’ve Been “Inned”!!!”

  1. Addison said

    So, we were all sitting around the table outback while George grilled and SOMEONE had to bring up that one time that Daniel got kissed by Sister Mary MeNow. I swear, I don’t think he’ll ever live that down.

  2. revelkc said

    Well, you should have seen how he was dressed. He was practically begging for it.


  3. Daniel said

    I feel SO Jodie Foster in “The Accused”…

  4. Kat B said

    and I was so hoping to be your first. Damn I’m so disappointed.

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