The Tempest

Not Exactly Shooting For \”Miss Congeniality\”

I’m Aging Like A Fine Milk

Posted by Daniel on Saturday, April 7, 2007

Dr. Seuss on AgingWhen did it happen? At what point did I suddenly realize that I’m no longer 25? When did I become the alta caca (Yiddish for “Very Old Person”)???

The other day, I was sitting back enjoying a back and forth IM session with my friend Cameron. Same topics du jour between us…Food; Men; Food; Southern Shopping Habits; Food; Dietary Fiber Content; Food…when all of a sudden it hit me across the face like Naomi Campbell’s cell phone…

I am so fucking old!!!

Shut up, bitches!! I know 43 isn’t considered old…in fact, to hear some in deep denial say it, 40-ish is the new 20-ish.

Tell that to my well-over-20-ish man boobs. They used to be the perkiest pecs that complimented the rest of a very well-toned bod. That was when I was fully blossomed.

I just want to know how and when the bloom fell off.

See, that day, while yucking it up with Cameron, it just sort of dawned on me that I am FAR older than him (15 years, I believe), and while this epiphany had nothing to do with him, per se, it did show me just how much I have changed over the years without ever having realized it. Until now, that is.

For some reason, I remembered conversations with others who had never heard of the cool-assed shows that used to be on TV on Saturday mornings. All those acid-trip Sid & Marty Kroft shows…like H. R. Pufnstuf, Lidsville and Sigmond & the Seamonsters

H. R. PufnstufLidsvilleSigmond & the Seamonsters

Of course, now I think I’m relating more to the cranky characters WitchiePoo and Professor Whodoo

WitchiepooProfessor WhooDoo

Need a refresher?  Fine…here ya go:

And…just for you Days of Our Lives fanatics…here’s Marlena in the Early days…

Even the cool cartoons, like Thundercats and He-Man…people say, “Huh? What is that?”

Thundercats Ho!!!He-Man

My moods sometimes swing more towards that like Mumra and Skeletor

MumraSkeletor

Why do I even have to explain these things to people? It isn’t as though all of those shows aren’t now out on DVD.

All of that is but a mere taste of how I feel I’ve aged. Not just the old shows…but everything else. The music is now something I can barely follow, and don’t even get me started on how even at the gay bars, when they play something from the 80’s, they refer to it as “the Oldies”!!!

Now, I ain’t sayin’ someone at my age is ready for the shuffleboard lanes or anything like that. Far from it, actually. But it just seems odd to me that the things I used to think of before seem so different to me now.

I used to diet and was the consummate gym-bunny even 10 years ago. Now, while I still try to watch what I eat, it’s actually more like I watch it go into my mouth and then spread out over me. I might as well just duct-tape it right onto my ass. Fortunately, I stay very active – hyperactive, I should say – that I can still keep the pounds off…but it seems to take a lot more effort as I age. And I hate that shit!!!

When my friends call to ask about going out:

One Ringy Dingy – Two Ringy Dingy…
Me: “Hello?”
Friend: “Guuurrrrlll, put your Cha-Cha heels on and let’s all go out clubbing tonight.”
Me: “What time were you thinking on being out and where are we to meet?”
Friend: “We’ve been at the 303 since lunch,” (it’s now 8:30 PM) “…and we’ll meet you at Side Kicks at 9:00.”
Me: “Okay. See you there at 9:00.”
Click
Me: (to myself) “Fuck, by the time I get there it’s going to be way past my bedtime!!!”

Old GeezerThat’s another thing…When the hell did ‘nap time’ replace the fun times?? I am sitting here writing this on a FRIDAY NIGHT, anxious to get it finished so that I can get to bed at a decent hour!! And even when I am in bed, I am now having to get up at least twice a night to pee. What’s up with that?!?!

I know that being 43 isn’t old. And if you’ve ever gone shopping with me, you’d think you were with a 5 year old. But I’ve noticed that every once in a while, that weird feeling of nostalgia creeps over me that says, “I remember the days when…”, and it now seems more important to me to stop and remember those days. The things I miss. The many friends who have passed on (really, the 80’s and early 90’s were the years of great loss). And the music didn’t give me a headache.

I think it all really started becoming noticeable to me when I realized no one was carding me anymore. It’s funny…I see people getting mad at stores or other places when they are being carded. I used to be the same way. Now I find myself forcing my ID in the faces of those who say, “I don’t need to see your ID, Sir.”

And to top it all off, my mom tells me that I am more than likely going to shrink as I get older, like she did. This is not good news to a man who is, at this time, only five-foot-three. What’s next…crow’s feet?

So I look in the mirror…sure enough…there they are.

But then, I’ve had those since I was eighteen. I had hoped all that alcohol I drank in my life would have done a better job of acting as a preservative.

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2 Responses to “I’m Aging Like A Fine Milk”

  1. revelkc said

    You may be older, but you are definitely still a kid at heart!

  2. Robguy said

    but ur still so cute… :p

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